The entirety of your life
has led you to this point..
.. where you stand, mourning the disposition of your wife.
There is no irony in your timbre
when you look me inthe eye to say,
"Don't worry about me, I have everything, remember?"
I try to imagine what it's like for you,
blind to the shine of your silver spoon.
Your resources filling the pages of your solution menu.
I can see you are hurt,
emotional validity was never in dispute..
But I am disappointed in what little effort you exert.
In trying to see the forest beyond the tree,
while so many can't find a twig,
and I sweep the ashes of the trees that once surrounded me.
And if it's even possible..
You created Heaven on Earth, instead.
But how could you even speak of it with all of the delicate threads?
Since it went so well,
a scene from only a ~minor~ circle of hell,
I pronounce this a win!
An external validation of the war within.
It's our fate to manifest,
the beauty and horror fermenting in our chest.
So when I said, "Hi!"
It was MY fear I saw flash in YOUR eye.
Whether it's that we project,
or it's karma, or what we resonate when we connect..
I guess what I am saying,
slash hoping and fucking praying..
Is that the next time we meet,
there is still hope,
still a chance to be sweet.
I would like to love you completely..
though, I know it is not me you are for.
In fact, there are dimensions where we'd pair quite sweetly,
but in this one I just want to love you - I'm not asking for more.
Should my eyes betray a twinkle
or should my cheeks start to glow,
Please ignore it entirely,
I already know.
This love is a secret between me and my heart.
I'm giving myself permission to feel it without filling the part.
I wonder when
I wonder how
I wonder the rise and the wither..
I furrow my brow.
I wonder high
I wonder low
I wonder where and if
the waters of time actually flow.
And if time is an illusion
And if there is only today
And if for the masters
the past and future actually go away..
I wonder the damned point
I wonder why the wretched fray
I wonder about the kali yuga,
or whatever the fuck they say.
I wonder if I am eternity
I wonder if I am sane
I wonder if any of you exist
outside of my supposed brain.
And if I take the hits.
And if I calm my mind.
And if I am a very good girl,
will time finally unwind?
I wonder if it goes,
I wonder will I go too?
I wonder about the littles,
and about me and you.
I wonder if I am alone
I wonder why I am afraid
I wonder if it'll be a relief,
all duties.. permanently delayed?
And why do I care?
And what should I do?
And what good is finding the truth,
if in it there is no you?
The sad girl who spoke too loud.
The pretty girl in the middle of the crowd.
That's the one - she'll be a mother now.
Man after man, she'll lay under.
She's trying to disappear, they're staring with wonder.
And one of them, she's not sure which,
Perhaps the one who slapped her and called her a bitch?
Summons the baby who descends from a cloud.
The girl is half her mother's daughter,
A fraction is left up to dispute.
She'll never know,
an immaculate conception of ill repute.
Aubrey says ruthless love is not a sentimental state.
It is not a love that permits idly, turning into fear or hate.
If you coddle a child's wound, you amplify fear by teaching them to relate.
What does mommy teach with these men she's chosen to date?
Love them enough to leave him - you are strong enough to bear the questions of your tied fate.
He will learn - you won't wait.